The woes of a Sorting Hat
by Eosneve
Summary: Sorting Hat POV Chap 1: Godric is having fun at my expenses, I'm sure. He has never told me I would have to comfort a child (the Black heir for that matter) before sorting him. Warning: mention of abuse and blood and death. Chap 2: if Sirius can be the first Black sorted into Gryffondor, why can't James have something that'll make him special too? He's driving the Hat crazy. Humor.
1. Sirius

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

My thanks to **Daily-chan** , because I love her Harry Potter fics and her idea of Sirius befriending Fawkes. And my thanks to **HouseoftheBadger** for encouraging me to write this.

Mention of abuse and blood and death, you are warned.

This is a try so tell me your thoughts about it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 **The woes of a Sorting Hat** (Sorting Hat POV)

"Black, Sirius Orion III," the Professor calls.

A Black, once again. All is the same with them. Somehow there is a script. They arrive at Hogwarts already knowing a lot of magic, especially dark magic and mind magic. Their Occlumency is quite strong, I admit. I have to ask them to remove their shields or I can't sort them, then I send them to Slytherin in a second. As I said, every time the same thing. They're a relaxing break.

Truly, I could easily break their Occlumency shields, but I don't want to.

Oh, well! Let's start with my first line.

"Hail, child of the House of Black. Would you mind..." I somehow like sounding so formal. It remembers me of the times when Godric was still alive.

But I must stop. I failed my first line: this is not a simple child, this is the Heir... I must recognise his status.

"Heir of the House of Black, would you mind removing your shields? It's essential for the sorting."

His light fear reaches me. Why?

He thinks, almost pleading, "Are you allowed or forced to reveal my thoughts?" But I see another weak voice in his head: "A Black does not plead, he demands."

"Of course not," I reply to his first thought.

In a second, his shields are down.

Oh my, I'm not ready for this. There is too much confusion in this head... I can't find what I'm searching for. This boy is a puzzle.

I sigh, goodbye relaxing break.

There are too many conflicting voices in this head: fear and bravery, brain and heart, caution and impulsiveness...

I'd like to sort him in Slytherin, but I can't. I exclude Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, at once. As for Gryffindor... Godric would have been proud of this young boy, but could this child be proud of Godric?

Whenever I think I found the answer, another voice overwhelms me and, seemingly, him.

He doesn't think, he doesn't move, perhaps he doesn't even breathe. He simply sits there.

That's frustrating.

Suddenly I find something I'd prefer not seeing: abuse.

"Firm discipline," a pleased feminine voice corrects me.

Sirius gets a grip on himself and decides to help me: at last he organizes his memories.

I carefully view all of them and... Godric, help me! Godric, the next time you create a sorting hat o something like that, please, make sure of what you're doing.

Should I sort him where he belongs or where he will be safe?

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"You know, you might... not be a Slytherin," I carefully say, I don't want to break him.

Silence, then at the same time two voices reach me.

"That's not a big surprise even if I still hope..."

"The pure heir of a pure family not in Slytherin? I wonder why one should get sorted by an object made by Godric Gryffindor. Why did Salazar Slytherin even allow this?"

Not good.

"Please, I know you are confused. I know what you've been through and I think you allowed me in for some reason, but I can't help and I'm so sorry about this. I can give you some advice but the choice will be entirely yours."

The desperate kid merely nods in his mind.

"Well."

Godric, it's all your fault and maybe you're laughing, but the health and the life of this child are mine to decide.

"You're very clever, Sirius, and cunning. Maybe the most clever Black, and I have seen all of them. Salazar would be proud of you. Unfortunately these same traits made you reflect upon your family's ideas when you were old enough to do it. If your parents had not cursed you, you would have not seen _your_ blood. If they had not forced you to see a muggleborn's murder, you would have not seen _his_ blood. If you were not so smart, you would have never wondered why your and his blood were the same. Your Slytherin's traits make you a Gryffindor. It's confusing, I know. Forgive me."

"So I'm cunning and clever and smart and no Slytherin... And would... could... I mean, what about love?"

"Oh Sirius, you're really lovable, but you won't find friends in Slytherin."

"And James?"

"Well, I haven't met him yet, but in your memory he looked so steadfast and brave and stubborn. If he wasn't Gryffindor, he would be able to destroy me and the castle, I think."

Sirius smiles.

"So?" I ask.

"But I am a Black, I'm a dark wizard."

This is not the imperious voice of his family, but his fear of not being accepted.

"Listen to me very carefully. The world isn't split into good people and dark people. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. (1) Your friends will be able to see that."

"Thank you."

"Gryffindor, then?"

"Gryffindor," he states.

And "Gryffindor," I shout.

The Professor reaches out a hand to collect me but Sirius quickly whispers: "Can I visit you?"

"Sure. And Dumbledore's phoenix will be glad to help you."

"Another thing. Put in a good word about me with James."

"Sure," I reply again.

He hops off with a smile.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(1) Sirius to Harry in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix


	2. James

"Potter, James."

Normally, hearing that name, I would relax—I mean, almost everyone could sort a Potter—but after my experience with Sirius, I feel less confident. It's not that I fear to discover some dark secret—I'm sure they would never be like the Blacks—but you can never be too careful. The Potters are brave and loyal and chivalrous, but they can also be cunning when they want to, and more important, they're smart enough to hide their slyness, so I prepare my self to shout either Gryffindor or Slytherin as soon as I touch Mr. Potter's dark, messy hair, just in case.

"Sly—Gryf—Slyt—Gr—"

"Hey, don't you dare sort me into Slytherin just to even the... score. I thought Godric Gryffindor created you but you seem more biased to the Lord of the Snakes if they ask me. You would think you'd rather sort students into your master's House, which is where I belong anyway, just so you know."

Wait, what? This kid sounds like a troublemaker.

"No, you misunderstood. I was just weighing my options, Mr. Potter. And even if it was indeed Lord Gryffindor the one who gave me life, I equally respect each one of the Founders."

A snort reached me.

"I'd never sort anyone into a House just to even the score. In case there were—I don't know—no Slytherin, well, there would be no Slytherin. Period. End of story."

"Hey, can you make it happen? Because it would be really cool!"

I'm already tired. Can a Hat develop headache? I'm sure I can. "No, I can't make it happen. Now, can we please go back to your sorting?"

"Sure, go ahead and sort me into Gryffindor. Quickly, or I will set you on fire."

"Wait, I still have to read your mind, you know, and your heart. But I can't do that if you keep distracting me." I sigh. "But you must me very brave to dare threat me. I'd already guessed so from Sirius' memory. I'm sure you'll become the best of friends."

"Sirius! You two talked about me? Well, of course, I'll be the most popular guy in the School. Oh, and by the way, we're already the best of friends and soon everyone her will know."

"Please, Mr. Potter. Can't you just be quiet? All this excitement prevents me from doing my job."

"NO, I can't!"

Why am I not surprised? If we weren't in the Great Hall, I'm sure he would be jumping up and down by now. Actually, now that I think of it, it's probably not the thought of a hall plenty of students and teachers that still keeps him back.

"Hey, Hat, do you think I could just stand up and say you sorted me already?"

Do I even have to answer?

"Wait, I have a greater idea," the boy says. "Now, we just stay here and talk until five minutes have passed. Then, you can sort me." Having said that, he tries very hard not to think of anything.

"Why?"

"Well, I can see everyone with a brain—and whatever Snivellus says, this rules out every Snake—everyone will be interested in Sirius now. And what about me? I need something to make me famous. A Potter into Gryffindor is a lame story, and I certainly do not want to go to Slytherin—Sirius and I have plans. But a Potter who is a Hatstall? Now, that's a scoop! And it would add some charm and mystery to my already attractive personality. That red-haired girl will only have eyes for me and—"

Oh, for Merlin's sake! What? I'm too weak to reply to him. But I may still play along for a while and get some nice time. The Sorting Ceremony is usually so boring. Year after year, everything's the same. And it's not my fault that Godric had a mischievous side; he should have been more careful when he created me. They told me to sort students, but they never said anything about being up to good.

When I focus on Potter's chat again, he's talking about green-eyed children. He is just eleven!

"Alright, alright... GRYFFINDOR," I shout in his ear.

"Hey," he sounds indignated. He looks at the hourglass. "But it's not five minutes yet." He pouts and I can't help but think he's rather nice, after all.

The Professor is about to pull me off but he stops her so I can say to him, "I'm sorry, I really couldn't do that. But don't worry. There's Quidditch if you want to be popular."

"Yes, yes. Well, bye for now. But I'll find you and make you pay!"

 _Mischief managed_ , I think satisfied.

* * *

 **A/N It wasn't supposed to be so long. I mean we all know James is entirely Gryffindor material, but for some reason he didn't want to get sorted while I was writing this story, so I thought that adding some humor could not do any harm. I really hope you all enjoyed my take on James' sorting. Let me know, please!  
**

 **Dedicated to Houseofthebadger :)**


End file.
